May 5, 2015 § Leave a comment
If you suddenly appeared before me right this second, I don’t know how I’d react. Maybe I would manage a wide smile and matching wave, as if nothing has happened. That’s inevitable; you inspire such a wonderful, warm feeling that I can’t stay mad for long. Maybe I’ll find the strength to turn my back, give you a taste of what you’ve done; ignore you without explanation. That would be nearly impossible because I would give in to the urge and peek at your confused expression. If I’m feeling brave, maybe I’ll just word vomit all over; while stopping myself from hugging and punching you all at once. That never goes well, as you would know. I suffer from constant, debilitating foot-in-mouth disease.
You will probably never know about this letter, despite how potentially public this is. You’ve seen some of what I used to write and this is probably more pathetic than all those weak & jealous poetry put together. I am ashamed already and I’ve barely started. This needs to be said though, and a little more regret can’t change anything.
July 31, 2014 § Leave a comment
When I was a freshman, once a long time ago, I was one of the youngest and that did not bother me one bit. I loved being an athlete and the sense of physical power that came with it.
Dim, in a few recesses of memory, are breaks spent arm wrestling with guys (and a few girls who wanted to see if I really was strong “like a boy”) and me holding my own with most boys my size.
I was 12 and the boys I dueled with were at least 10-30 months older. I was proud and confident that no one could hurt me. #LikeAGirl didn’t bother my young soul because, in my head, the difference between male and female was nothing to me.
Yes, I did hear that phrase growing up but gave it little thought. A neutral phrase that fell into my bank of “observations”. Of course, the definition has changed over the years and that is another day’s writing.
Societal norms did bother me from time to time, but I learned to accept the “name-calling” as compliments and accepted that I would never be seen as “chic” or “girly” ((and/or, later on, “girlfriend material”. HAHAAHAH)) in school but the private side to me was exactly that.
I don’t mean to brag, but I guess being seen as such; or thought of as one of the strongest girls in school was a little pride. I was untouchable in the positive and not so positive sense and that was just what was good for me at the time…I think. I didn’t believe I was smart or particularly attractive, so being tough was what I wanted to seem like.
July 7, 2014 § Leave a comment
Warning: this does sound preachy/bitchy/pretentious, but for this I prefer to say challenging.
Isn’t it that the hungrier you are, the less choosy and discerning you get? When you truly are starving, you will eat practically anything you find? The same is true with love. I read somewhere that you won’t find true love when you seek it out.
I’ve given it some thought. When you are desperate, you feel that you absolutely NEED someone. There can be a lot of reasons why you want to get into a relationship. Maybe you just need someone to hold and hold you back, maybe you are lonely and empty, maybe you just want to feel wanted. Whatever your reasons are, they are not “bad” per se, but they could be wrong, and not at all because they are invalid. However, desperation leads to you most likely latching on to the first person who shows you even a bit of sunshine, no matter if he/she is the right person. Relationships must not be born out of “need”. You will be overly clingy, which is never healthy because it is a sign that you are depending too much on that person. If unchecked you will invariably suffocate them and they will leave you. And then you will be worse off than before. I don’t think I need to explain this point any further.
April 30, 2014 § Leave a comment
Anything said about this issue may be a sip of water, a spear, a crown of thorns.
Does there need to be a distinction? The cross is what matters.
I believe in a higher power, yet do not adhere to a religion. There is truth in any written Word, but the imperfection of humanity distorts. It was a choice to separate my morality from spirituality; the deity is separate from the Religion. Despite this, I have realized a respect towards the members. I have seen infinite passion and that in itself is a miracle.
Why else would the Mormons in this town walk the dusty paths between houses set in farmland, pitching their word to anyone who lets them speak? Most are believers of their respective organizations. No one wants to be disrupted when they are working to feed their families. Their skin means to the smallest child that they do not belong here.
Yet they speak with a conviction that breaks down barriers.
Each Church draws in masses through the moral transformations that result from spirituality. I have experienced a pastor urging brothers and sisters to live the word, to be a disciple. I have heard testimonies, seen them inspire and create a sense of community. I have witnessed my own mother, who managed to raise 5 children on her own with a teacher’s salary.
We never felt deprived in the slightest. That on its own is an amazing feat. I admire her humility; she has made Him her partner, and her love flourished with the Church’s guidance.
Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs supports being an affiliate. It is human to need to belong, and a Church provides that and more. The apples’ flesh may be rotting, but in spite of this, I believe the cores are love and goodwill.
Today, it seems to be a choice between the apple and the snake.
What if the garden is still a choice?
April 25, 2014 § 1 Comment
I have learned so much more these past two years after my Sophomore year. Those two takes of Junior year were humbling, and opened my eyes to worlds outside the education system. I am listing lessons down because there is so much uncertainty with the future in terms of re-entering the system [of education] that I just need to ground myself and shift perspectives.
Acceptance is where I should begin. I have denied the reasons for my difficulty letting go for too long. There is so much pride and to me it is a flaw I turned invisible.
I knew — I know that I am so much more than a student. I have other passions, dreams beyond what my school can offer me and I took so much pride in that. I was too proud to admit to myself that my school was something I identified with and that I am an impressionable adolescent. I was so confident in my abilities that I belittled how much the school affected me. I was hurt and my pride led me to (attempting to) cut it away like a flimsy vine.
Finally, I have accepted that it is not wrong to have let so much of myself identify with my school. It is alright to not be strong all the time and it is time to let myself embrace the change and uncertainty that comes with this stage in life.
April 19, 2014 § Leave a comment
A lot of people dream about moving out of the city, but very few accomplish this. I personally love the countryside, but when I think about leaving, it’s an inevitability that feels far away into the future. Recently, that has become a reality.
My dad lives in a province 12 hours way from the capital (where I live/d). I honestly love his place. It’s a getaway that feels like home, although I’ve only been here twice before. This time, I was sent here straight from the hospital, somewhat against my will. I was too ill to resume my medications and my doctor and parents agreed a change of environment would be good for me while I let my system heal. I gave in after days of protest because no choice: I couldn’t get out otherwise.
I was adamant about staying in the city because I was rearing to get back to my routine that had already been disrupted for so long. It felt worse because I knew that there was going to be a lot of change, and their promise that I was going to go back down after 3-4 weeks for lab tests was just a thinly veiled consolation to hide the probable permanence of my being sent away. I had a life in the city, a lot of my passions were rooted there and I didn’t want to lose it. There was no psychological preparedness that came with this severing. What about all my dreams?
April 19, 2014 § Leave a comment
It has been a long while since my last blog post. I apologize. The first few weeks were an unexpected hiatus; I was confined to the hospital. I have been out for the last three weeks though, and there have been radical changes to my situation. There has been so much to write about but I regretfully did not do so while I was in the moment. There is no excuse; I was not too busy to write… I suppose I was just scared. There’s a lot of uncertainty and I have this habit of procrastinating because I want to be as close to perfection as possible. I was waiting for the right “feeling” to come. Not inspiration, but the urge to write. They come and I let them pass often without any output. Again, probably because I thought it wasn’t good enough. Now I decided I want to actively blog. I am hoping that this serves as a wake-up stretch of sorts. I want to be able to write regularly, and so much is going on around that this will probably help further perspectives.
I realized that I am not really blogging for anyone else. No one expects perfection as much as me and I will not let my own insecurities hold me back anymore because there is no loss in discovery. The littlest things matter just as much as any opinion.
I now set my sights on posting at least once a week, a goal that I hope to surpass when I can. I shall write through thick and thin as much as possible. No more stagnation for me.
In fact, there’s another post coming right up (: